The Book of Roy

There was a man in the land of Alabama whose name was Roy, and that man was blameless in his own sight, for he had been a Christian all his life. Roy sought to serve the Lord through the law in all ways.

Roy had served the Lord through law for dozens of years, and had hundreds of speaking dates at Evangelical churches and conventions outside of his own land of Alabama. As Roy’s fame and notoriety grew so did his ambitions and he set his eyes on a higher office which would allow him to serve the Lord more than he had in the past.

Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord and Satan also came among them. The Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?”

Satan answered the Lord and said “Alabama. You’ve got to check out this guy named Roy Moore. He thinks he’s your most devout servant and people from many lands believe him.”

And the Lord said, “What the fuck?! Satan, you are my accuser, charged with putting obstacles in the way of those who oppose my will. His history is in your hand–use it as you will.”

So Satan went were angels always go when they need to get something done on Earth in a timely manner: to a strong woman. Lo, Leigh Corfman came forward and told the story of how Roy Moore pursued her, drove her into the woods, and molested her when she was 14 and he was 32. Other brave women began to step up to say that Roy had also pursued them when they were still girls and Roy was in his thirties.

Roy gathered at the gates with his friends where he said, “I probably didn’t do any of that.”

And Roy’s friend Jim said, “Even if you did the Virgin Mary was 14ish when she conceived Jesus so there’s biblical precedent. You didn’t do anything wrong.

And Roy’s Christian friend Ben said, “Roy is the finest man I’ve ever known.”

And other evangelical friends of Roy said, “It’s a really hard call.”

Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan also came among them to present himself before the Lord. And the Lord said to Satan, “From where have you come?”

Satan answered the Lord, “From Alabama.”

And the Lord said to Satan, “Have you dealt with Roy Moore?”

And Satan coughed.

“What was that?” asked the Lord.

“Several brave women have come forward to accuse him of sexual assault when they were minors,” Satan replied.

“Bless them,” said the Lord, “And so Roy Moore should be begging me for forgiveness from a jail cell sometime soon?” The Lord was well satisfied.

And Satan coughed.

“What’s that?” asked the Lord, “Surely he has been condemned by the highest office in the land?”

Satan blushed while he mumbled, “Not exactly.”

“But my people!” boomed the Lord, “Surely my people have condemned Moore and are seeking his incarceration even now?”

And Satan looked at the floor.

“Tell me what my people are doing to fight this injustice in my name!” the Lord demanded.

So Satan told the Lord about his people Jim and Ben and others who were defending Moore’s behavior.

“Is anyone opposing Roy Moore and his vile behavior?” asked the Lord.

And Satan coughed.

“Out with it!” barked the Lord.

“Well, uh, my people are,” Satan said.

After the Lord had spoken these words to Satan, the Lord said to the people who called themselves Evangelicals, “My anger burns against you and against your friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right. The church of my adversary, Satan, has sorely tested you and you have been found wanting. Go and make offerings to domestic violence shelters, to single mothers, to victims of abuse. Offer your votes for policies that protect the vulnerable, including women and girls. Offer your taxes for social programs that support the vulnerable so no one has to stay with an abusive partner. Do all of this and if the women and the girls you have harmed through misuse of my name pray for you then I will accept their prayers and not deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken what is right.”

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