Oh, Universe, you certainly have a dark sense of humor. Yesterday I posted about my commitment to being present in my own life, even when it was difficult, and writing, especially when it was difficult.
Naturally, that meant that today was a very, very difficult day. In brief: I thought I was going to die and someone I love had two health crises. In both instances I was/am relatively helpless which is probably the hardest thing to be in the whole world.
For many reasons, I can’t go into detail about either of the incidents mentioned above. I’m not trying to leave you with a cliffhanger, everyone seems to be fine at the moment. One of the stories isn’t really mine to share and the other, well, it’s not suited to this format.
What I can tell you is that today is a day when I very much don’t want to be in my own life. I very badly don’t want to be present. To be perfectly candid, I’m not super excited about the idea of existence. Like, why does this have to keep being a thing? It’s hard and it appears that I’m not very good at it and I am just exhausted from trying. All in all, I would rather not. I don’t want to die, per se, but I could go for some serious hibernation.
But I’m still here. It’s not much. Hell, it’s not even what I would choose if I could, but I can’t. So here we are. And here I am. Still.